A Rant about Checking the Box

I always refuse to check the boxes on application forms... unless I absolutely have to. I don't check the "ethnicity" box, and I don't acknowledge the sexual orientation that applies to me. And I always wonder why, and even feel a little guilty about it. Because it's not like I'm ashamed of the things that make up my identity; in real life, I don't deny anything. In fact, I actually take GREAT pride in being Latina (and a little more in being Colombian), and anyone who knows me will tell you that I couldn't possibly exercise more "gay pride" than I already do. But on paper... urgh. I just hate it! I can't explain myself or go into detail on a piece of fucking paper. I am very rarely given an opportunity to write things underneath those little boxes, like, "Well, I'm Latina, but I'm specifically Colombian, and actually my parents were the ones who were born there," or, "Race doesn't even exist, you asshole," or, "I'm gay, but I don't *look* like a stereotypical lesbian... not that there's anything wrong with that."

Okay, writing this down totally makes me feel like I'm being petty and immature, but it doesn't take away from the shitty, helpless feeling I get whenever I'm forced to check a goddamn box. I feel as if that action is equivalent to me telling them, "These are the qualities that make up who I am; I hereby give you permission to read this and make as many assumptions about me as you want, no matter how untrue they probably are." Checking box is agreeing to subject yourself to prejudiced views and narrow-minded accusations. And that fucking sucks.

You check the box and send the little piece of paper away to float in the universe and you have absolutely NO control over how people read it. And then there are those lines at the end that they give you. You know, the ones that ask, "Is there anything else you'd like us to know about you?" which, theoretically, provide the perfect opportunity to go into detail about the previously checked boxes, but, um, HELLO, you don't want to sound like a neurotic douche bag by breaking down every single aspect of your identity, so of course you just leave it blank or write some bullshit sentence about how excited you are about the internship/job/whatever.

Can I just be gay without having a stamp on my forehead that announces it? Again, the problem isn't being open with my sexuality. Rather, I have an issue with the fact that, once that declaration is made, especially on a piece of fucking paper, being gay becomes all I am (especially since I'm a woman, but I'll go into that in another entry). I'm suddenly Cathy the Lesbian, not Cathy the person, Cathy the human being who's gay but also so many other things. Seriously, why are we so obsessed with knowing someone's labels before getting to know them as people?

The refusal to check the box is a challenge. This refusal is my way of not letting you take the easy way out - the path you are so accustomed to taking. It is more difficult, and it is more unrealistic, and it definitely takes way more time, but it's also so much more rewarding in the end.

And I resented this: resented being called an American (and resented resenting it) because it seemed to make me nothing more than that, whatever that was; and I resented being called not an American because it seemed to make me nothing."

-- Giovanni's Room