The Poem I Chose

Here's the poem I memorized for acting class:

A Secret Life

Stephen Dunn

Why you need to have one

is not much more mysterious than

why you don't say what you think

at the birth of an ugly baby

Or, you've just made love 

and you feel you'd rather have been 

in a dark booth where your partner

was nodding, whispering yes, yes,

you're brilliant. The secret life

begins early, is kept alive

by all that's unpopular 

in you, all that you know

a Baptist, say, or some other

accountant would object to.

It becomes what you'd most protect

if the government said you can protect 

one thing, all rest is ours.

When you write late at night 

it's like a small fire

in a clearing, it's what

radiates and what can hurt

if you get too close to it.

It's why your silence is a kind of truth.

Even when you speak to your best friend, 

the one who'll never betray you,

you always leave out one thing;

a secret life is that important.

I guess I'm starting to understand/appreciate poetry, because this poem did move me in a strange way. Hmm... 

Late-Night Ramblings

It's 3 AM and I can't sleep. Actually, it's 4:20 AM and I can't sleep. Last time I checked it was definitely 3 AM. Now I'm wondering what I did for the last 80 minutes...

Today (meaning September 11, 2009, not Today Today) has been weird. I've been kind of out of it. Eight years. God, it seems like it was two years ago, maybe three. I've always felt kind of guilty about how I reacted to the attacks that day. I was just kind of non-responsive, besides being worried about my mom, who worked nearby. It was a horrible tragedy, of course, and I realized that, but at the same time it seemed like my capacity to feel or exhibit any sort of emotion was gone. Not that I was ever great in that department, but the guilt is still there. Now I'm thinking I didn't react because I was numb, which makes sense.

In any case, now I feel. Now that I know that people are dying for nothing while I'm here reading books. It makes me feel horrible. Especially when I think about how easily and quickly people judge the soldiers, the vicious killers, when we really have no fucking clue what it's like over there. How do you know you wouldn't kill just as many people if you were put in that sort of situation? You don't. I don't.

The buildup to this year's 9/11 was more intense this year because I'm taking a Sociology class called 'War and Possibilities of Peace' and we've been reading a lot and watching videos and films, all about war, obviously. One we saw recently, called "Army Strong" just... I don't even know what to say about it. It tore me apart. But I'm glad I watched it. You should watch it. Anyway, my professor is a huge peace advocate and I really just feel so blessed that I'm being taught by him. I could just have easily been raised somewhere else, with completely different ideals. I think about that all the time. You know when people compliment you because you're.. I don't know, humble, smart, whatever. It really has nothing to do with you. It's about where you were born, how you were raised, who taught you. It's about privilege. I guess a small part is about you, but just a small part.

My professors are fucking amazing. Seriously. I usually obsess over one every semester, but they all rock this time and I can't possibly pick a favorite.

Guilt, guilt, guilt. Why me? Why am I so lucky?

I have to memorize a poem for my acting class. I don't know which to choose.. I was never that into poetry, though I do enjoy it occasionally. But usually I'm just like, God, just say it already. There's deep and then there's "I don't know what the hell you're trying to say here," you know? I think I'll look through one of Sylvia Plath's poetry books... or Dorothy Parker, though most of her poems are really short, and I think we're supposed to memorize a semi-lengthy one.

Then I have to write a paper about an encounter I had/am going to have. It could be with anything; a person, a song, a rock... it just has to have stirred some kind of emotion inside of me. I have to write about how my body reacted to whatever it was. Maybe I'll post it here, if it's interesting enough.

I should probably go to sleep now. It's almost 5 AM and I have to make baked mac n' cheese in the morning for a potluck. If I'm not fully awake for that, I might burn the building down.

Polyphobia

I consider myself a relatively liberal, open-minded person. Pro-choice, pro-gays, yadda yadda...

So why can't I get down with polyamory? This question has been bugging me for a couple of weeks. I'm reading a great anthology called Looking Queer: Body Image and Identity in Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, and Transgender Communities (before I continue, I have to say that it really irks me that the words 'polyamorous' and 'transgender' are considered spelling errors. Get fucking with it, Spell Check). I was reading the "About The Editor" section before starting the book, and was immediately impressed by how well-educated, active, and passionate this woman was. Then I read the very last line: "She lives with her three partners and their young son." I have to confess I did a double take. I might even have said, "What?!" ... or maybe not. I don't remember. Whatever. My point is, I clearly need to step back and reflect on what it is about polyamorous relationships that makes me so uncomfortable. 

Let's talk about homophobia for a bit. I know that homosexuality and polyamory aren't the same thing, but some of the same concepts apply in terms of lack of acceptance. Most of us are taught from an early age that love/intimacy/marriage/etc. should be between a man and a woman, and for many of us, that's all we know growing up. If that's the case, meeting a gay person later on in life will likely seem foreign to us, and we'll be more likely to be uncomfortable with it or even condemn it. A huge part of homophobia comes from not being exposed to gay people and couples, and not being made aware that they're just regular people who happen to be attracted to the same sex. I've met many strongly homophobic people who are now protesting Prop 8. All it took was meeting one gay man, who welcomed them into his life and helped them unlearn their prejudices. This change of heart obviously didn't happen overnight but happen it did. They grew up not knowing gay people, and now they do; now they see that homosexuality is not such a big deal. 

But who do I know in a successful polyamorous relationship? Who do I know in any kind of polyamorous relationship? Well, Jodi from "The L Word" was polyamorous for a while... does she count? I don't think so. I never saw polyamory as a big deal with Jodi, because I was just positive from the start that Bette would win her over and help her embrace monogamy... which is exactly what happened. By the time they were really together in Season 4, Jodi was as monogamous as any of the other women. Also, Jodi isn't real.

Since I have not met any people who practice polyamory, I'll at least read about them in the meantime. I don't like this feeling of close-mindedness; I'm confident that I just need to see a little more... learn a little more...  and it'll change. 

I'll leave my two faithful readers with a semi-related music video by Peaches. 

Katy Perry is an Idiot

So, I've been wanting to write about Katy Perry's single "I Kissed a Girl" since it came out, but I didn't have a blog back then, and it seemed way too after the fact to write about it when I finally started one a month ago.

But, but, BUT!!! My new hero, Beth Ditto, has recently dished her feelings on the subject on the latest issue of Attitude magazine... and thus, I have an excuse to bring it up! YES. 

Ditto, simply put, is not a fan. She thought Perry's hit was "tacky" and referred to it as "music for men." But the most noteworthy part was when she said: "She's offensive to gay culture... She's just riding on the backs of our culture, without having to pay any of the dues and not actually being a lesbian or anything at all and she's on the cover of a fucking gay magazine."

Thank you. 

The fact that this song became such a hit last summer- and continues to grace our parties with its presence today- symbolizes the sorry state we are in as a nation. Sure, it's catchy (and even that's debatable), but is a party beat the only thing on people's minds? Not only does "I Kissed a Girl" buy into the straight-girls-kissing-girls-to-turn-their-boyfriends-on craze, thereby totally undermining genuine lesbian relationships... but it's also just plain stupid. Also, notice how she doesn't actually kiss any girl throughout the entire video... in a song about kissing girls? Yeah. It's because she's the straightest girl in the entire fucking universe. Perry makes it painfully obvious that the only reason she's singing about kissing girls is to get attention from her boyfriend, as evidenced by the fact that she wakes up next to him as the video ends. Oops, bad dream! And hello, billionth song for men disguised as a 'girl power' jam.

It's bad enough that lesbians are one of the most underrepresented minorities in mainstream television, but when they're used and exploited to reinforce ideas of male dominance by a girl who doesn't have a fucking clue..... that's a deal breaker, ladies.

(Had to throw Tina Fey in there somewhere.)

EDIT: Perry replied to Ditto's commentary. She's apparently "not impressed." Boo hoo, Katy Perry. Boo fucking hoo.

The Night I Met Jennifer Beals... what a feeling!

So I went to an interview of Jennifer Beals, actress from The L Word, and Ilene Chaiken, the creator of the show, as part of the New York Times Talks series. I actually flew to NYC instead of to Boston where I go to school just to go to this thing. I'm a HUGE fan, if you haven't noticed yet. Not only is Jennifer Beals bursting with raw talent (and I really don't say that a lot), but she's also become this huge gay rights advocate. She gives speeches on LGBT issues, goes to several related events every year, and donates to charities. And um... she's GORGEOUS, obviously. I would marry her. Anyway.

So I was telling a former teacher about meeting Jennifer Beals, and she asked me what I was going to say to her. She said that one time when she met Alanis Morissette, who's one of her favorite artists, she just like.... looked at her instead of saying anything, because she didn't want to say something that thousands of people had probably already told her. And then Alanis said "Wow." and my teacher thought, "Yesssss." 

The mere thought of that made me want to throw up! I mean, there are some people who can pull that kind of thing off (read: her) and some who should never EVER under any circumstances attempt it (read: me). 

I'd look like this guy:

Needless to say, I didn't go there. Moving on. The interview was very revealing. It was mostly about life "after The L Word," both for them personally and for the LGBT community as a whole. Ilene Chaiken talked about her desire to tell good stories, and how she was on shrooms when she wrote the final season, etc. Well, she didn't say that, but she probably was. Whatever. I'm still mad at Ilene Chaiken for turning the final season into the worst television EVER aired, but at the end of the day, I'm grateful to her for opening the door. That was really the point of the show in a lot of ways, to start conversations, to get people talking. It certainly did that. We can't hold it too accountable for all the ways it failed the community, when it was the only show of its kind out there. It couldn't possibly represent every person, or every story. 

Jennifer Beals was amazingly funny and honest and candid. She expressed her dissatisfaction with the final season, saying [paraphrased], "My job as an actress is really to serve the story. So I did that to the best of my ability. I was fully invested in every scene, but afterwards, I'd go to my trailer and go, 'Why?! But Whyyyyyy?!'"

She talked about how she initially chose to accept the role because of Bette Porter's career, and that she was so invested in embodying this character, career-wise, in the first episode, that she forgot she was playing a lesbian and freaked out right before the love scene with Laurel Holloman (Tina). 

"I was like, 'Oh my God, I'm a lesbian! I'm gonna be like that ugly hetero who doesn't have a clue!' I asked Ilene, 'What do I do? Can I google something?'"

The audience roared. We reacted in a huge way, no matter what she said.

This is an excerpt from another blog that symbolizes the night:

Jennifer Beals: "I did a triathlon - "

[audience explodes into applause]

Kim (interviewer): "And one time, she had breakfast!" [to Jennifer:] "They adore you!"

I got to ask her a question!!! I was nervous but I had to do it so I got in line and asked what she thought of the representation of biracial issues in The L Word. I learned a lot of things. Firstly, Bette Porter was initially supposed to be white, NOT biracial. Jennifer Beals said that as someone who was representing the lesbian community by playing one on the show, she'd also like herself to be represented, so she suggested that Bette Porter be biracial. Who knew? She also said a bunch of other things in response, none which I remember because I was lost in my own Jennifer-Beals-Is-Looking-At-Me little world. Hopefully someone wrote it down. I will find it someday. I WILL.

In short, I love Jennifer Beals. I forgive Ilene Chaiken. And I love Jennifer Beals. 

Closing Quote: 

Kim: Why did you kill Dana in Season 3?

Ilene Chaiken: Because people die in real life.

Really, Papi? Thanks for that, Ilene. I'm glad you had a solid, well thought-out reason for killing off one of our favorite characters.