March Reviews

Books

• Drown by Junot Diaz - Though I enjoyed all three of his books, I was more moved by this one and would probably call it my favorite. I found Diaz’s voice as refreshing and important as ever.
• White Girls by Hilton Als - Hilton Als’ writing is beautiful and challenging. I particularly loved the essays on Eminem, Flannery O’Connor and Michael Jackson.
• The Widow and the Parrot by Virginia Woolf - I found out that she'd written a children's book and obviously had to buy and read it immediately. It was cute.
• The Secret History by Donna Tartt - SO GOOD. So suspenseful and smart and wonderfully descriptive. Donna Tartt is a brilliant writer.
• Runaways Vol. 1: Pride and Joy by Brian K. Vaughan - I never read this kind of thing - it was a quick and fun little departure for me.

Movies

• Juno (2007) - I’d forgotten how funny this movie is! It was definitely time to watch it again. Oh, and it made me cry like three times, which was weird. Basically whenever Ellen Page was crying, I was crying.
• Sherlock Jr. (1924) - Watched this with my dad accompanied by some delicious Indian takeout. It was a fun evening - I missed Buster Keaton! I think it'd been 7 or 8 years since the last time I watched one of his movies.
• Dr. Strangelove (1964) - Brilliant. Somebody kick me for waiting until 2014 to watch it.
• The Red Balloon (1956) - Lovely French short. More heart wrenching than I thought it would be, too.

Theatre

• Mothers and Sons at the Golden Theatre - I laughed a lot and cried at the end. What more could I ask for? Tyne Daly was a joy to watch onstage. Read a great review here.

Art Events/Exhibits/etc.

• The Whitney Houston Biennial: I’m Every Woman - This was cool! Two of my friends were in this show that featured over 75 female artists. I’m glad I was able to go. You can read about it here.

Journalism/Essays/etc.

• “Outside the Box: Netflix and the future of television” by Ken Auletta for The New Yorker - An interesting read. I was particularly fascinated to learn about the math and statistics involved in figuring out what people want to watch.

• “Am I Black Enough for You?” by Retha Powers for The Rumpus - I just loved this.

• “Surviving a For-Profit School” by Stephen S. Mills for The Rumpus - I could have done without the fashion police stuff, but I still found this piece illuminating and so, so sad. The way these schools target the poorest and most disadvantaged people for recruitment is just sickening.

List of things

I failed at blogging more in March. I can't think of anything to write a whole entry about, but I decided I will post something anyway or die trying, dammit.

So, without further ado, here is a random list of life updates:

• Speaking of things I failed at, I did not go to the movies alone in March. I was just too busy! I will try really hard to go in April. It should be a little easier since I'll only be taking one class and not two. I do have to say, though, that recently I've become much more tempted by the idea of watching movies at home because my dad just got a new TV! It's our first flatscreen and it's big (for me anyway) and it connects to Netflix!
• I also failed at my Facebook ban (although I posted way less frequently, which is great). 
• I have officially paid my entire A-Camp tuition, as well as purchased my flights to and from California! Yaaay! Can't wait till May!
• This sort of segues into my next thing, which is that half of me is disappointed that I'm still living with my parents, but the other half is thrilled about what that means for my finances. I was able to pay for A Camp and my plane tickets out of my paychecks instead of charging them to a credit card. I also did the same for the tuition of the two classes I've been taking. I didn't even have to deduct anything from my savings! That being said, I do need to move out soon. 
• Speaking of which, my former roommate and close friend Steph announced she's most likely moving to NYC in July, and asked if I wanted to live with her again. There's a very good chance that'll happen. It would be so freaking great.
• I've been keeping up with my Booktube channel (I've posted 9 videos so far), and I'm really happy about it. I feel like I improve a little bit with each new video, both at articulating my thoughts and at editing/producing quality videos. I can't believe I already have 115 subscribers! 
• Solely because of Booktube, I have once again become completely addicted to Twitter. I did not see that coming at all but I'm happy about it, because that's really where the making of Booktube friends happens!
• I have another week in May off and am having trouble figuring it out what to do with it.

And that was my list. I will hopefully write again soon. Fingers crossed.

Being Alone vs. Doing Alone

I've been thinking lately about the difference between being alone and actually going out and Doing Things alone. And I've reached the conclusion that I'm doing one but not the other.

I always pride myself on how comfortable I feel with solitude. I spend most of my breaks at work reading by myself, I go on long walks alone pretty frequently, and so on. Solitude is one of my very favorite things about life, and I don't shy away from admitting that to others. But there's a big difference between doing things regularly associated with solitude like walking around and reading, and having more active experiences by yourself.

I went through a period in college where my tastes in music became a little eclectic and I could never find somebody to go with me to concerts. Or, rather, I never asked anyone to go with me because I already knew they weren't fans of those artists. At one point, I got tired of missing out on things just because there was nobody to go with me, and I made a goal to attend one concert by myself. It took a surprisingly long time to work up the courage to buy a ticket, but I finally did it and went to see Yann Tiersen at the Boston Royale. I was nervous on my way to the show, but by the time the opening band finished their set, I felt great. It felt so liberating to just enjoy myself without worrying about whether or not the person next to me was having a good time. Yann Tiersen was an especially good first choice because most of the concert was instrumental and I found the whole experience somewhat transcendent. I'm not sure I would have allowed myself those feelings if I'd gone with a friend.

After the high of that concert, I made a vow to go see more shows alone. The following summer, I went to see Patti Smith at Battery Park. It was one of the best shows of my life, and I also met some really interesting people I would not have spoken to if I hadn't been alone. Again, my experience was transcendent. It was my first Patti Smith concert in years and I felt like her energy and spirit and poetry recharged my soul. I went to see Patti by myself three or four times after that.

A couple of days ago, I asked myself when the last time I went to a concert alone was, and I was surprised to realize that it's been a really long time. I see Patti every year now (one of the benefits of living in NYC) and 2013 was no exception. But last December, for the first time, I went with a friend. She was the perfect person to see my favorite artist with and I had a great time, so no regrets there. But now I'm wondering why it's been so long since I've gone to an event by myself!

I want to be the kind of person who goes to events alone when she wants to and feels great about it. So I'm once again wondering where to start. I initially thought to go with concerts because that's what I did in college, but I'm actually at a place in life where I want to experience concerts with my friends. (Look at me being all social!) So I decided to go with movies. This really excites me because going to the movies is cheaper than attending a concert so I could potentially turn this into a semi-frequent habit. I could really become someone who goes to the movies a lot! I'm always ashamed of how rarely I go (I went twice in 2012 and once in 2013), so learning how to go alone sounds like a great way to make sure I get out there and see more stuff.

So, to make it official (and to make myself accountable): I hereby vow to go to the movies alone once a month for the next three months. Oh, and independent film screenings count too, of course.

I'm nervous but also excited!

February Reviews

Books

• The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain - I really enjoyed this book and can't believe it took me so long to pick it up. I love Mark Twain's social commentary and overall sense of humor. 
• Blankets by Craig Thompson - I hadn't read a graphic novel in a while, so I was excited to pick this one up. I always appreciate reading about people who had very religious upbringings, because I can totally relate. 
• A Story of Debt by Ashley Riordan - This started off as a blog and was then turned into an e-book. I love reading about people accomplishing their goals, and this story was no exception. It's convinced me that I'm doing the right thing in paying off my student loans as quickly as possible, and it's also inspired me to start budgeting my money. 
• Beloved by Toni Morrison - I loved this so much. Beautiful, heartbreaking, mysterious... just wonderful. I didn't think this would ever happen, but Toni Morrison succeeded in making me love magical realism. Now I want to read everything she has ever written.

Movies 

• Clerks (1994) - Pretty funny. I appreciated it as someone who also works with the public.
• The Avengers (2012) - I'd already watched it but my sister hadn't. Joss Whedon's stuff is always fun. I especially love Robert Downey Jr. in this one.

Facebook Ban! (Sort of.)

So I decided to not post anything on Facebook during the entire month of March. (It feels scary to write it down because now I actually have to follow through with it... even if no one is reading this.)

Anyone who has seen my Facebook page knows this is a big deal for me. I'm pretty private about my personal life on Facebook (much like I am in real life) and I would never dream of sharing mundane details of my daily activities with the whole world, but when I read an interesting article or come across an inspirational quote, all I want to do is tell people. I don't know why that's so important to me, but it is. If I read something that teaches me something new and valuable, or helps me feel less lost or sad or desperate, then I share it, because what if it helps someone else too? I cannot fathom how somebody can keep big discoveries like that to themselves. (No judgement there, I just personally can't resist the temptation and marvel at those who can, or who don't have it at all.)

But I'm starting to wonder if lately I've been using this sharing I do as a way to avoid challenging myself to dig deeper. It's easy to share someone else's words with a simple "I agree!" attached; it's a lot harder to process and analyze those finds critically and then use them to form my own opinions. I need to do more of that, especially since I feel like I constantly have so many thoughts and ideas buzzing around in my head. I need to start practicing the art of organizing my feelings and, more importantly, articulating them. I'm hoping prohibiting myself from posting anything on Facebook will motivate me to write more and get my own thoughts out there for a change. (By "out there" I pretty much just mean this blog. That no one reads. But, you know... baby steps.)

This feels like somewhat of a fake Facebook ban, because I am still planning on checking it every day. I'm only banning myself from posting anything, not from reading what other people post. I kind of wanted to quit completely for the month (or more) just to see what it felt like, but I decided not to for two big reasons. Firstly, I'm looking for a new place to live, and there are certain queer and queer-friendly housing groups on Facebook that are extremely helpful resources at the moment. I'm hopeful I'll figure out my future living situation through one of those groups, so I can't leave Facebook now and potentially miss out on a great housing opportunity.

The other reason is A-CAMP!! I'm finally finally finally going to A-Camp in May and I am 1000% super over the moon excited about this. There's an A-Camp Facebook group for all the people going, and it's just been so much fun for me to read people's posts and experience us slowly getting to know each other via the internet prior to our big gay camping trip. I just can't leave that for a whole month!

In short, I will consider quitting Facebook for an undetermined amount of time after A-Camp and after I have signed a lease somewhere. But definitely not right now.

THINGS FEEL DIFFERENT!

I honestly think I've made more personal goals in the last few weeks than I did in all of 2013.

Here are some of them:

1. Write, write, write. 

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted writing to be as constant a presence in my life as reading. Lately, I haven't been following through on this desire. Honestly, not chronicling my life really fucking depresses me. I want to be able to look back on this time when I'm older, because I'm having a lot of new experiences, meeting very creative and influential people, and my perspective on all of this keeps developing in surprising ways. I want to write through this process to better understand myself. I want to start noticing patterns in my thinking and behavior, so I can be more prepared and efficient in my constant attempts to improve myself. I just want to journal more and blog more, and I'm suddenly extremely determined to make this happen. I think part of the reason I haven't done much of either in the last year or so is because I kept feeling like I had to choose one or the other. Only in the last couple of days have I begun to see journaling and blogging as two very different things that can and should have a place in my life simultaneously. Giving myself the liberty to not make a choice means I'll probably be doing more of both. 

2. Start booktubing! 

I've been watching booktube videos for a few months and finally created my own channel because it seemed like fun and I wanted to join that great community of readers. It was scary (I've never been comfortable watching footage of myself, let alone sharing it with the world) and I thought about it for at least a month before I worked up the courage to do it. In the short time I've been a member, it has already begun to change me in ways I hadn't anticipated (again with the being-forced-to-stare-at-your-own-face-for-the-hours-it-takes-to-edit-a-video thing. It will do stuff to you). I will probably do another blog post about this. 

3. Learn how to manage my money better.

Since graduating from college in May 2012, I have developed a not-so-healthy obsession with my student loans.  The first six months were the worst; I have a job that allows for a lot of daydreaming, and in my head it was all loans, all the time. Literally. All day long. I'd make desperate calculations in my head over and over again, trying to figure out how to get rid of my debt as quickly as humanly possible. I decided to live with my parents to save money and sent most of my paycheck to my loans every two weeks. I managed to pay off a third of my debt within that year. My anxiety got better for a while (maybe solely because it was summer and I was being more social and having fun), but then I realized that more than six months had passed since paying off a third of my debt, and I had hardly made a dent since (I had moved out of my parents' by then and could no longer send $800 a month). The second I realized this, the obsessive thoughts returned full force. 

I have since accepted (however grudgingly) that it will probably take a few more years to pay off all of my debt. But I still want to send as much as I can and just become better at crafting a real plan and then following through on it. Even though I'm living with my parents again and am not paying rent, I somehow haven't been able to send as much as I did before I moved out in the summer. I don't understand why. I'm working way more hours than I was back then, so why can't I send $800 a month, or even more than that? I'm moving out of my parents' very soon, so it's not even worth taking that specific question into consideration, but the point is that I have no idea where my money goes (and I'm generally pretty responsible with my spending, so it's not like I blow it all on clothes or something). It's time to put on my big girl pants and create a budget. Hopefully the simple(?) knowledge of where every dollar goes will be enough to ease the anxiety of paying off my debt. I suspect a lot of my obsession stems from not ever knowing how much I can send. So I come up with these insane numbers and drive myself crazy trying and failing to reach them. I think it'll be a relief to know for sure how much I can afford to pay off each month, even if it's less than what I'd like the number to be.

I have more goals than that (a lot of reading goals, and I also plan on eating healthier and on developing some kind of steady exercise routine), but those are the three that I'm most determined to follow through on. 

10 Things You Would Hate About Me

1. I am very selfish with my time.  I don't know exactly when I started thinking this way, but my free time has become incredibly precious to me. And I'm very selective in terms of how I spend it. I've always only felt content in either a) being completely alone or b) spending time with someone I love, but lately I take measures to ensure I'm only spending my time in one of those two ways. I kind of hate everything in between, such as hanging out with acquaintances or going on casual dates. I consider hanging out and/or chatting with someone I don't particularly care for to be a waste of my precious time, and I realize this is not charming.

2. If I discover something new I like, I get completely obsessed with it and can't shut up about it. I don't really have likes or dislikes. They're more like obsessions and things I can't stand/am too apathetic to bother to spend any time thinking about.

3. I am extremely set in my convictions and will not shy away from being a little preachy if directly asked about them. I won't rub them in your face out of nowhere, but if you ask me why I don't approve of a certain thing you're doing, I will tell you. This is especially true when it comes to topics like vegetarianism/veganism, zoos/aquariums/other places where animals are held captive, and animal rights in general.

4. I will judge you hardcore if you're a woman and you tell me you don't identify as a feminist.

5. I'm very moody and have a tendency to shut down on a loved one and brood in silence every now and then.

6. I can be very secretive about my life for no reason, even with close friends. Once, a friend I'd been very close to for a couple of years turned to me and said, "Wait...you have a sister?"

7. Happy-go-lucky people really annoy me. I just want to shake them and yell, "DO YOU KNOW ABOUT WORLD HUNGER?!! PEOPLE ARE DYING!!!!" ...I'm not going to hate you if you're all rainbows and unicorns all the time, but I'm also not going to be able to be around you for more than two minutes.

8. I am very cranky in the morning. Just don't talk to me.

9. I get super awkward whenever I receive a compliment.

10. In general, I prefer books and animals over people.